Upon my arrival in the city I slammed my mattress down on the ground and tried to fall asleep, but the screeching of the elevated trains kept me awake, so I walked into an alleyway camera shop where I bought a threesome of cigarillos.<\/p>\n
Next, I headed over to the Journal<\/em> headquarters to see about any openings.<\/p>\n \u201cNothing here,\u201d they told me.\u201cTry the Tribune.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n But the Tribune<\/em>, apparently, had been shut down.\u00a0 No more Tribune<\/em>\u2014just gold-grilled doors wrapped in chains, and water splashing about the front pavement.<\/p>\n I looked down the avenue and, in the distance, saw neon purple lights flashing HOSPITAL.\u00a0 I ran into a barber shop to use the restroom\u2014the railroad chicken-gravy dinner had caught up with me and sent my stomach into a dyspeptic fit.<\/p>\n I left the barber shop feeling well, and went in search of a pocket clock.\u00a0 I entered a liquor store to buy one, but the man behind the counter pointed a rifle at my chest and informed me that they\u2019d run out of timepieces months ago.<\/p>\n \u201cSomething strange is happening in this city,\u201d I told him.\u00a0 \u201cI like it.\u201d<\/p>\n I journeyed downstairs to the subterranean avenue, hoping to find a steakhouse, and was met with a heaving sea of triangular men and women fighting over yellow taxis.\u00a0 It was too crowded to see anything else, so I walked down another level to the parking garages to inquire about an automobile.<\/p>\n A man in a clear plastic box told me through some holes that I\u2019d need an identification card if I wanted to pick up a vehicle.<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s nothing we can do for you!\u201d he shouted through the holes.<\/p>\n So I ran upstairs and looked south down the coast of the lake to try and track down a steel mill, sand dune, helipad, anything.\u00a0 I failed, and tumbled down a marble staircase inside of a bridge column and landed in an aluminum river taxi.\u00a0 I asked the driver to take me to the fish market.\u00a0 He dropped me off on a small island in the shadow of a moldering slaughterhouse.\u00a0 The island was packed with ferns, the air moist.\u00a0 I lay down upon a sweat plant and took a nap.<\/p>\n When I woke up, I found myself surrounded by a pack of children with coal-blackened faces and bright green parrots on their shoulders.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s up?\u201d the tallest child asked.<\/p>\n I told him I didn\u2019t know, rolled off the sweat plant, and tried to find my way to an edge of the island to catch another river taxi back to the city.\u00a0 One particularly light-footed child trailed me and when I tried to brush him away with my newspaper he shoved a transistor radio into my back pocket.\u00a0 I thanked him, and he scurried up a 12-foot palm tree.<\/p>\n I stood on the edge of the island with my hand out.\u00a0 It had gotten a bit lighter outside at this point, it must have been dawn just then.<\/p>\n Near the brewery up ahead at the bend of the river I saw a large fire, and I couldn\u2019t help but consider that the river taxi depot had been set ablaze, and that I would be stuck on the island forever.<\/p>\n \u201cFalse teeth!\u201d somebody yelled out from the city.\u00a0 A hooded old figure, standing at the base of a 50-storey mirror-glass building marked Insurance & Bank Agents, waved at me with a ragged mop.<\/p>\n \u201cFalse teeth!\u201d he cried again, this time throwing the mop down into the water.\u00a0 \u201cRide the mop!\u00a0 It goes!\u201d<\/p>\n I hurled the transistor radio back into the body of ferns and hopped on the mop.\u00a0 I rode it like you would a stick horse, and made it across the way in no-time.<\/p>\n \u201cThanks, mister!\u201d\u00a0 I yelled up at the hooded man.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t worry about that!\u201d he returned.<\/p>\n I dismounted, stepping onto the slimy granite ledge of the city proper, and once again found myself on sub-level two, at the entrance to the parking garages.<\/p>\n Finally, I found a ramp up to sub-level one and happened upon a bustling lunch counter next to a row of dumpsters overflowing with the ribcages of steer and the shinbones of lamb.\u00a0 I ordered chicken soup and a cup of diced onions.\u00a0 While I waited for my breakfast I realized my pants were dripping severely, creating puddles on the floor.\u00a0 I apologized to the waitress, and she told me not to worry, that it happens all the time.<\/p>\n \u201cDid you ride the mop?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, ma\u2019am.\u00a0 I rode the mop.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLet me get you some towels then.\u201d<\/p>\n She brought a total of three: one to wrap around each leg, and two more to create a rug below my stool to catch the drippings.<\/p>\n Following breakfast, I came upstairs to find the sun shining, the snow flurrying, and the streets filled with office workers pushing their way across the bridges and into the skyscrapers.\u00a0 I nearly fell down when a broad-shouldered, seven-foot man in a pin-striped suit with a crazy cherry twist about his face crashed into me and asked if I would like to sell peanuts in his lobby.<\/p>\n \u201cSure,\u201d I told him.\u201cI just landed in the city and am in need of employment.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell then, come with me.\u201d<\/p>\n He led me down the great avenue a few blocks and turned down a smaller street towards the lake.\u00a0 Then he shook his head, cursed, spat out a tooth, and walked me back to the great avenue, where a miniature hot-air balloon had just landed on a raised grate.\u00a0 A soldier walked out of the balloon\u2019s basket and wiped the sweat off of his brow with a steaming leather towel.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you looking at, kid?\u201d the balloon man asked.<\/p>\n \u201cHave a little respect,\u201d said my employer, who grabbed my arm and pulled me into the Magazines & Advertisements Corporation building.\u00a0 He set me up by the elevators, in a wooden booth with a red-and-white-striped awning.<\/p>\n \u201cAll you have to do is say peanuts<\/em> every five seconds, sell the peanuts<\/em>, and give the people correct coin<\/em> of change.\u00a0 You can do it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure,\u201d I said.\u00a0 \u201cI can certainly do it.\u201d\u00a0 And so he slapped a conical paper hat on my head and I was on the job.<\/p>\n The morning flew by.\u00a0 I must have sold 300 bags of peanuts.\u00a0 You would have thought the working people were entering a circus, the way they eagerly snatched at the product.\u00a0 At lunch hour, I went into a bookstore to buy a razorblade to shave my brand-new mustache off (it had grown at a mysteriously rapid clip since my arrival in the city).<\/p>\n When I asked a bookseller stationed in front of a large circular calculator glued to the wall near the fiction section where I might find razorblades, he told me to look around by the candy bars at the cash registers.\u00a0 I gave him a nickel for the lead, snapped one of his suspenders, and hurried over to the bank of registers.\u00a0 Sure enough, I found a package of razorblades in a little box between the Cashew Tommy Coffee Bars and Strawberry Cinderella Jelly Cakes.\u00a0 I paid the two dollars, and hustled over to the rail yard to find a shaving mirror.<\/p>\n Steam whistles blew maniacally and buckets of milk clapped outrageously from the gas wagon parked atop the freight tunnel.\u00a0 A fellow in a bear costume climbed to the front of an engine car to wash the windows with a paw-shaped sponge, farting out an old Dixie stomp through his swollen mouth while he worked.\u00a0 Blood dripped down his legs, but he seemed to be in good spirits.\u00a0 I ran onto the tracks and found a shaving mirror on the ground amongst the scattered grease pebbles and orange twine, crouched down, and looked at my reflection.<\/p>\n But Dennis, I confess: The mustache was gone!<\/p>\n I felt my face, though, and sure enough rubbed the bristles of a definite full-grown lip bush.\u00a0 Then I looked back in the mirror\u2014and still nothing on my face.\u00a0 To make matters worse, I resembled Andrew Jackson after a long night of bare-knuckle boxing.<\/p>\n \u201cHey kid,\u201d a bottom-heavy engineer in black overalls mooed down at me, \u201cthere\u2019s no shitting in the yards.\u00a0 I don\u2019t even care if it\u2019s in your pants.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not shitting,\u201d I informed him. \u201cI\u2019m shaving.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell what are you crouching down there for then?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTo get a good look into this floor mirror is why.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell let me give you a piece of advice.\u00a0 Get going.\u00a0 The 12:48 rolls in any second, and if you don\u2019t get out of the way the beast will gladly knock you straight out to the West Side softball fields.\u00a0 Need a hand, buck?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure.\u201d\u00a0 I grabbed the engineer\u2019s canvas-gloved hand and he pulled me to my feet.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd another thing,\u201d he chuckled, examining my face.\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t need a shave.\u00a0 But you could use a bath.\u00a0 Here.\u201d<\/p>\n He sliced me a sliver of pine soap with the blade on his nail clipper and sent me on my way with a solid kick in the buttocks.<\/p>\n I couldn\u2019t remember if I\u2019d had any lunch, so I picked up a plastic-wrapped bologna and yoghurt sandwich at a newsstand and hurried back to my peanut station.<\/p>\n But when I returned to the lobby I discovered that my stand had been removed, and so I went off in search of a new job. \u00a0 Four hours later, I landed a sales position in the wallets and belts department at the Metropolitan Clothing Palace, and I\u2019ve been there ever since.<\/p>\n \u201cWell all right,\u201d\u00a0 said Dennis, wiping the counter.\u00a0 \u201cHow about another soda?\u201d<\/p>\n Fine, Dennis.\u00a0 That sounds very fine.\u00a0 I\u2019ll take another soda.\u00a0 But make this one to go, I have to get back on the floor.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Upon my arrival in the city I slammed my mattress down on the ground and tried to fall asleep, but the screeching of the elevated trains kept me awake, so …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":179,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[80],"tags":[25],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n